Snake 0, David 30

The dogs went mental, raa, raar, rarr. Raa, raa, raar. Yvonne roused herself from the fire and went to find out what they were barking at. Thirty seconds later, Yvonne was screaming and shouting for a torch. Raar, raar, raar, awhhhhhh, raar, raar, awhhhh. People went crazy! The kids went running first towards the commotion and then rapidly away from it. Eventually I decided I had better get up from my toasty spot next to the fire and see what was going on.

Someone eventually found a torch and by the time I got to the spot the snake was crouched against the wall, probably petrified. “Did you see how it sat up and spat at me?” I heard Yvonne say to Gian as I arrived. In the vague light from the torch that Gian was holding, the snake looked brown with white stripes. There was noise everywhere as humans and dogs got over-excited. Rakes appeared and stones soon followed. The stones were hurled through the air and pounded the poor snake who was rapidly trying to escape the madness and wondering to itself what had happened to what had been only moments ago, a very pleasant evening of hunting frogs. Next Bobby the dog decided he wanted a piece of the action. He dived in amongst the rocks and grabbed the snake in his jaws. Yvonne started screaming for the safety of her dog while the dog yanked the snake from side to side in its jaws. I assumed the dog was a goner but somehow the snake was having too hard a time to be able to bite the dog. Yvonne lost a dog just a couple of weeks ago to the same sort of situation; the dog fancied a go at the snake and the snake caught the dog. Anyway, after much shouting at Bobby he dropped the snake in the grass and Yvonne chased him away. I went around and grabbed the biggest of the rocks that had already been thrown. It was more like a small boulder but I hurled it at the snake, hitting it firmly on the tail, arse! With the snake pinned down by the rock I moved in with the rake. The head of the rake went through a 270 degree angel and hit the rock, clang, bugger! Too much adrenaline was coursing through my system. Again the rake head went whizzing through the air and this time came down hard behind the snake’s head. “Whack” went the rake into the soft grass and mud. Two more times the rake came down until I was sure the poor thing was dead.

“Spitting Corba” was the pronouncement upon closer inspect from Yvonne. Not lethal but apparently if it spits vemon in your eyes then you’ll know about it for quite a while. I felt (and still feel) bad for the poor snake though. I don’t like harming things, especially when they are outside. Next time, I would prefer to trap its head with the rake, pick it up behind the head so that it can’t turn around and bite me and then throw it outside the compound to continue life. I’m not quite sure I’m brave enough to do it though. Time and circumstance will tell I suppose.

Finally, it’s official, I’m past it! I have just said goodbye to my twenties and now stand at the brink of another decade of my life. I celebrated in my own way by working late, then going home to two gin and tonics and a bar of Cadburys fruit and nut. Not my usual stylist or active birthday but there you go, everything is different right now. Now Kerryn, I think the barmaid might finally be right, I might just be too old for those trousers!

Your thirty-something snake murderer in the middle of nowhere